For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:11-13

Friday, September 9, 2011

Only One More Left...

Of Big Brother :( This saddens me greatly!!  The end of Big Brother means the end of Summer, the end of seeing Big Jeff!

So here is my recap from Wednesday & Thursday's show - and there will be a spoiler, so if you don't want to know... don't read ...

Wednesday was a pre-recorded episode of Big Brother and an eviction night at that. Rachel nominated Kalia and Porsche; her reasoning, 'because you're coming after me.' In the diary room she tells us that Kalia has tried to get her out more times than she can count, which is probably true seeing as Kalia has only gone after Rachel once or twice. Porsche says that she and Kalia are the “biggest competitors in the house”. Also true, but only because all either of them ever do is eat or sleep.

This entire episode was about Kalia and Porsche speculating if Adam, assuming he won the veto, would use it on them to ensure that they both stay in the house. Meanwhile Jordan is also concerned, so she goes to talk to Adam about it, who is sitting by himself in the purple room. She walks in and greets him with, “What are you doing?”, to which Adam replies, “Just laying here”. I couldn't help but laugh to myself because that same exact interaction could’ve theoretically gone on verbatim during any competition throughout this entire season.

So far Wednesday's episode has been a busy one, thus far and the veto competition takes flight. Another competition that we have seen before (BB12 w/clams and cd's). But clearly the Big Brother gods have something against Kalia, because we can’t really be expected to believe that with the entire back yard littered with desserts, she will have the ability to remain focused on the task at hand. Unlikely, Big Brother…and I’m on to you.

Round one, Jordan is 'almost embarrassed' when she is kicked out the first round! Really Jordan, come on.

Round two, Rachel doesn't make it in time.

Round three, Kalia is out and starts to cry.  You know it’s outlandish when Rachel is calling someone out for their overdramatics.

Round four, Porsche mishears “lost all seventeen competitions they played in“ for “left after seventeen minutes they were in the house” and grabs Keith’s pie. Adam correctly grabs Shelly’s pie and wins the competition.

After the competition, we finally get to see Big Jeff inside the Jury House. As you remember, Shelly was evicted from the BB House last Thursday and is now gracing everyone with her presence in the Jury House. Here is the recap of what went down...

JEFF: I wanna hear the story of the person that got me out. What’s up with us, Shelly?

SHELLY: Well, Jeff – I was playing this game called “Big Brother” where I was trying to win a half-million dollars by whatever means necessary.

JEFF: But I was trying to have a three-month vacation with my girlfriend! Where do you get off breaking up my summer of passionless platonic romance?!

SHELLY: If I didn’t evict you or Jordan when I had the chance, I wouldn’t have stood any shot against you two in the finals.

JEFF: But I’m Big Jeff! CBS’s golden boy! You had no right to get rid of me! Didn’t you read the “It’s Jeff’s Way Or The Highway” clause in your contract?

- - That's my Big Jeff! :)

Quickly we go back to the eviction speeches, where Porsche goes first. She says that she’s “already been funny” in her speeches (intentionally?…cuz I must have missed that one) and then goes on to say a bunch of nice things about everyone, which means that she knows just as well as we do that she’s not going anywhere. Kalia, on the other hand, shows that she knows she’s on her way out the door by saying plenty of legitimately insightful things (“Adam – start playing like an all-star and stop playing like a fan”, “Rachel – you can’t keep complaining about putting out people that play this game if you’re going to keep doing it”, etc) yet she still somehow comes off like a scorned lunatic.

Time for the voting... Jordan votes out Porsche, but seems a little confused as to why... Adam votes to evict Kalia so with the tie, Rachel has the last say... Kalia is evicted from the BB house. Then a ChenBot does a quick one question interview with her and then plays the good-bye messages...

REFRIGERATOR: [crying] I’m going to miss you so much! What am I supposed to do now with all this ice cream and frozen pizza in me?

MATTRESS: I’m really proud that you made it as far as you did! I know that we probably spent more time together than anyone else in the house, so it’s going to be really sad around here without you. At least I still have your indentation to remind me of all the good times we had!

After another commercial break, we get to see Big Brother finally make use of the fortune teller machine.  The remaining houseguests are kept up all night by the fortune teller spewing out predictions that will be used in the next HoH:
  • “Shelly will be diagnosed with Carpal Tunnel Syndrome after spending months continually writing sentences to her daughter as punishment for all the lies that she told”
  • “Adam will lose the game of Big Brother when he walks into the back yard and literally floats away over the walls of the house”
  • “Daniele will begin selling her own line of fashionable self-defense pocket tasers called ‘The Shockkkerrrrr’”
  • “Lawon will receive a special power from CBS on his 50th birthday that will allow him to return to the house during Big Brother Season 24”
  • “Keith, Cassie, and Dominic will open up a bar called ‘Regulators’ which will be shut down three weeks after its grand opening due to their employees revolting and taking over”
Finally the HoH comp starts, the remaining houseguests are read a fortune and they need to answer “TRUE” if it was something they heard the night before or “FALSE” if it was not exactly as they had heard it.  Adam FINALLY WINS one and upon winning HoH, Adam proclaims “I’m an All-Star, baby!”, which causes all of America to bond in a collective fit of laughter.

Thursday Recap:

ChenBot pops on to greet us and send a reminder that Adam won HoH last week by saying, “He can no longer follow the power…he is the power”.

We of course have a flashback of Kalia leaving the BB refrigerator and bed behind and Adam tells us in the DR that by voting to evict Kalia he is “firmly with the veterans” and that he has chosen his side. Oh yes – you heard that correctly…with 6 days left in a 77-day game, Adam has just now chosen his side. {---- We shall see how long that lasts...

The next thing we flash back to is Adam’s HoH victory. Which segues into Adam sounding pervy when he talks about him kissing girls’ butts and girls kissing his butt. Which segues into the most obnoxious “WHO WANTS TO SEE MY HoH ROOOOOOOMMMM! ARRRRGHHHHH!!!!” in the history of Big Brother. Adam’s HoH basket is filled with bacon, bacon and more bacon.. I'm talkin' gummy bacon, bacon band-aids, oh and Tori Spelling’s pinky finger (wrapped in bacon). Rachel said that “if Adam could, he would probably marry bacon”. 

One by one Adam’s Angels come up to big bacon daddy's den to plead their case as to why they should remain off the block. Porsche plays the “newbie” angle, Rachel says “obviously” no less than twelve times, obviously... and Jordan wastes her time and ends up “FUSS-trated!” (Gosh, I love Jordan! MUAH!)

Adam couldn’t play the “creepy old man” card any more convincingly when he pops into the bedroom to announce, “Hey girls – it’s time for the nomination ceremony”. {--- Tell me you got that too, that I'm not the only one! bahahaha!  Rachel ends up being the only one safe from nominations this week (“obviously”), and Adam gives us this so Adam ironic gem of a quote:

ADAM: “If you want to be in the final three, you have to earn it!”He follows that up with, “Porsche and Jordan – I want to see what you are made of!”.

I’m guessing silicone and air, respectively, but what do I know? And Poor Jordan... Honey, why didn't you step it up?

Between last week’s OTEV clues and this week’s veto competition being titled (overly-appropriately) “Jukebox Veto”, I am certain that the creative team in charge of veto challenges has thrown in the towel on this season as much as I wish I would have. The premise is similar to competitions we’ve seen in the past (shockkkkerrrr!) where you have to match up a set of names that fit a set of clues. For example:

Okay, you get the idea... Porsche ends up winning. Immediately upon Porsche’s victory, Adam (not wasting a millisecond contemplating floating towards the latest person in power) says, “Even though I’ve been working with Jordan and Rachel, it would be kind of good for another newbie to be in the final three, so this might work out for me!”. ADAM FOR ALL-STARS 2!

I have to give it Rachel for the first time in a long time we get to see her do her magical “tear-less crying”. I kind of miss it, actually. This goes on and on right up until the LIVE pre-taped veto ceremony. This ceremony is catered perfectly towards Adam’s season-long “Reign of Mediocrity Terror” because when Porsche uses the veto Rachel is the only one left to go up as a replacement, so Adam is able to continue not having to make a decision on his own. SHOOOCKKKERR!

Right after the veto is used, the eviction ceremony begins. Rachel’s speech is first, and she asks Porsche to use the veto on her, then if she can use the veto on Porsche, then if Porsche will be her best friend, and every question other than “will you please vote to keep me?” Jordan announces that she’s going home, compliments Rachel and Adam, and then says that all she knows about Porsche is that she wears bikinis and hosts competitions. 

Jordan gets the boot, and she takes the walk of shame down to ChenBot for the first time in two seasons of gameplay. :(  ChenBot plays the good-bye messages:

PORSCHE: [off to the side] Who? I don’t know who that is. What did you want me to say again? Oh – okay. [into the camera] Gordon – I’m really sad to see you leave. [off to the side] What? Oh. [into the camera] JORDAN – I’m really sad to see you leave.

ADAM: I am SO thankful to you for showing me how to play this game and be another mega-floater with a shot at winning a half-million dollars.

RACHEL: I’m sorry that I couldn’t save us in the final veto. We’ve worked together all summer and become really good friends, and I mean that through the bottom of my heart. You are an amazing person, and I feel like I’ve made a lifelong friend in you….Oh, and also – NOBODY gets between me and MY man, and I don’t want your STUPID vote ANYWAY! (okay that was from last season, but hey... it sounded good!)

The houseguests walk out into the backyard to begin the first part of the final three-part HoH competition. This one is called “Big Brother Mixer” and (why bother with originality this late in the game) it’s pretty much the same thing as the paint can endurance competition from last season. Basically, the three contestants spin around on the beater of a giant mixer while it churns butter. Big Brother also has some leftover paint cannons from last year’s similar competition, and the fact that firing paint blasts has nothing to do with baking does not stop it from being part of this HoH comp’s distractions.

ChenBot reads the rules, and after a quick commercial break we come back to find Adam floating face-down and presumably dead in the pool of butter. Who will win the final HoH competition and be crowned the winner of Big Brother 13? Will Adam be resuscitated in time to win his inevitable $50,000? Will Kalia go into a jealous rage when she finds out that she just missed a competition involving hundreds of gallons of butter? Tune in Wednesday at 9:30/8:30 to find out.

Okay *SPOILER ALERT!* Rachel wins this comp so Rachel will have the say as to who she wants sitting next to her on Wednesday. By the looks of it.. Adam may be next to go to the Jury House. While Adam is dreaming about Bacon and Tori Spelling, Rachel seems to be helping Porsche
study the memory wall pictures incase the HoH Part 2 is a morph comp...

Who do you think will win???


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